Every new parent wishes that babies came with a manual. This is why there is a thriving sector of the publishing industry focused on books to help parents raise their children in the best possible way. Yet, it’s difficult to find a book that resonates perfectly with parents’ needs. Critics are always on the way: too much science, too little science, too theoretical, too practical, guilt-inducing, not respectful of mothers’ needs. The list goes on. This happens because there isn’t one perfect solution for everyone.
Nevertheless, when it comes to deciding on what parents should do with their newborn child, there are two opposite movements that dominate the scene: attachment parenting and schedule-based parenting. Interestingly, the attachment parenting approach is commonly considered to be good for babies but difficult for parents, while the schedule-based approach seems to be easier for parents but bad for babies.
I’ve covered why the schedule-based approach is not suitable for babies, at least not babies younger than 6 months, in a previous post.
Here, I am going to discuss some of the incorrect conceptions that many people have about attachment parenting and offer a perspective on parenting in which there is no need to choose between the highest good of the parent at the expense of the child or vice versa. Instead, both parties can and should be respected and valued.
There is confusion around secure attachment, attachment parenting, and attachment theory.
A secure attachment is the positive outcome of the parental relationship; it has been proved to have long-lasting positive effects, which is what every parent desires for their child. The main question is how to reach this goal.
Attachment parenting is a parenting style made popular by Dr. Sears and his wife. In their book, The Attachment Parenting Book, they talk about the ABCs of attachment parenting, which include a discussion about practices the authors consider important for ensuring an optimal bond with the child. However, the authors invite the parents to find their own individual balance and highlight the importance of emotional connection regardless of the practices available to them. Unfortunately, the concept has been misinterpreted despite this note. In particular, attachment parenting has been identified mainly as a strict set of practices (such as bonding soon after giving birth, breastfeeding, co-sleeping, and baby-wearing) that are considered absolutely necessary to achieve a secure attachment.
This idea does not consider that a secure attachment is achieved with the child. This means that we must consider the way the parent feels in the relationship. Just as in any other relationship, we cannot emphasize only one partner, because they are both central and have a unique role.
Secure attachment is not the result of specific behaviors alone.
By asserting that the only way to promote a secure attachment is via specific behaviors, the pressure of getting those right can become unbearable. In practice there are many situations when those behaviors cannot be enacted. In practice there are many situations when those behaviors cannot be enacted.
For example: a mom needs a last minute C-section, develops an infection and cannot breastfeed anymore; she has back issues and cannot hold the baby all day long; or cannot bed-share because she or the baby are not comfortable that way. Does that mean that she no longer has the possibility of creating a secure attachment with her child?
Of course not. Unfortunately, this is the message that has become popular. In truth, attachment parenting has not been proven to lead to secure attachment. In fact, the pioneers of the science of attachment, John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, never gave instructions about the behaviors to follow to produce secure attachment. Instead, attachment theory explores the biological basis of the child’s tie to the caregiver.
Attachment theory focuses on the quality of the parental relationship.
When parents are responsive, attentive, and predictable in their interactions, babies benefit. Above all, they develop trust in their caregiver, as well as in themselves. They are put on the road for socio-emotional independence. Such milestones are made possible by a nurturing surrounding where babies feel free to explore.
The attachment relationship is indeed the first way of learning whether or not the environment is safe. This has an important implication.
If you are a new mom who follows the ‘guidelines of the perfect attachment parenting,’ but this approach is too stressful for you because, for example, you’d like to switch to formula or not have to hold your baby all day, you obviously are not in the best condition to express joy while you’re interacting with your baby.
You will also probably have a hard time understanding what your baby needs because anxiety and discomfort are getting in the way of attuning to your baby. Even though you are apparently doing the right things, neither you nor your baby is getting what you need out of the interaction. Babies are indeed highly sensitive and have an incredible ability to pick up on subtle emotional states.
Parental stress destabilizes children who perceive the environment as not secure and predictable.
One of the main misunderstandings about parental care and safety concerns physical presence. For example, we tend to believe that if a mom is at home, she is already providing all that her child needs just by being physically there. Unfortunately, it’s not that simple. The emotional tone of the exchange between mother (or whoever is the primary caregiver) and child is the best indicator of the outcome of the relationship.
Being physically present doesn’t equate to being emotionally present, which is the main ingredient for a secure attachment.
As in other aspects of life, in parenting there is a price for extreme attention to efficiency, habits, tactics, and standard practices. We forget that parenting is instinct, connection, and joy.
Ask yourself who you want to be with your child. When you are clear on that, things will get better—not necessarily easier, but more natural.
Your baby already wants you: Babies are born with the tendency to attach to a main caregiver. In this sense, parents should be reassured, because their children want and need to establish a close relationship with them.
Children are also forgiving of the mistakes that parents will inevitably make, but with one condition: ruptures in the close interaction must be repaired. This may be the most important reason for not focusing on a rigid list of behaviors but instead, on the signals your baby delivers; because they always give clues about what they need. Anxious parents will find it more difficult to tune in because they will be too focused on themselves and too worried about making mistakes. But, if we remind ourselves that parenting is not a performance, it may be easier to let go of the judgment. Parents could also be reassured by the fact that repairing mistakes is even more important than not making mistakes at all. In this way, they would be in a much better position to remain present, instead of projected into a future of potential negative consequences.
When a mother or a father find liberation instead of constriction in being a parent, they lower their stress level; at the same time, they teach the baby how to cope with stress, because they themselves won’t be bothered or annoyed or feel hopeless when facing challenging moments with their little ones.
The child’s temperament plays a crucial role in building emotional closeness and connection.
A final note is about the role that the child’s temperament plays. Children have innate preferences, and it’s possible that they do not align with the advice normally associated with the attachment parenting style. There are children who are more independent by nature and don’t like to be held all day. There are also babies who for some reason tend to be more frustrated (even if you are doing everything ‘right’) and need to cry more as a form of release—just as is the case for many adults.
If you are too focused on parenting-by-the-book, you are likely to miss the opportunity to experience those sweet magic moments when parents recognize the reason for their child’s distress with confidence and, without any doubt, know what to do.
In conclusion, attachment is the most important early human experience, and behaviors like breastfeeding and baby-wearing can definitely be beneficial for promoting a close parent-child relationship. However, it’s impossible to limit the alchemy of attachment to a list of ‘what to do’—especially because this would imply that children could attach only to the mother, undermining the role of other significant figures, first of all, the father.
The single ‘rule’ to keep in mind is that no behavior will ensure that you are successfully raising a secure child if there is a lack of emotional closeness and connection.
Parents who can let go of external pressure, as well as the voice of their inner critic, find the best parenting style: Acceptance — for themselves and for their child.
