We tend to believe that when we become adults, our behaviors and attitudes—the way we act in and interact with the outside world—will, or is supposed to, change just because of a chronological factor.
Unfortunately, there is a reason for the many times we feel frustrated by our own reactions or wish that the other person would act ‘like a grown-up’: The adult brain matures according to the foundation of the child’s brain. Specifically, early experiences remain embedded in neural networks and condition an adult’s personality.
Thus, while it is true, on the one hand, that everyone is born with a different temperament and that genetics partially explain different sensitivities to stress, it’s equally true, on the other hand, that the most critical determinant of the quality of the stress response is one’s early social context.
The stress response develops in the early social context.
For each of us, our stress response is the reaction that offers the best possible adaptation to a demanding environment. If we didn’t have such a response, we would not be able to cope with pressure, tension, and even physical threats.
However, when we analyze adults’ reactions, we tend to consider only current circumstances, ignoring that those reactions are not made up on the spot but, instead, have their origins in early life adaptations. This is why we often think that a person is over-reacting or under-reacting to what’s happening to them.
In these cases, the individual is not simply responding to the contingency of the present moment. Instead, they are remembering unconscious memories without being that this is happening. The same happens when, for example, you feel overwhelmed by feelings and find it difficult to control them.
We all have those kinds of unconscious memories. They are formed before the brain was mature enough to allow a conscious recall of life experiences, and they stay with us for our entire life (unless corrected); in fact, they are meant to be automatically recalled any time we again find ourselves in a situation that is somehow similar to the one in which the memory was first formed. There is a reason that this happens: those memories are meant to ‘help’ us because they contain instructions about what to do in the face of a certain challenge. Since they were adaptive in the past (likely, in more than one occasion), they are consolidated and used for future needs.
When talking about adaptation and early social context, we must never forget that the first adaptation we all face in life is the necessity to fit within the family into which we are born. To be more specific, for an infant, ‘adaptation’ has one synonym: attachment. Therefore, unconscious responses to stress are linked to attachment dynamics.
The stress response is shaped by the attachment dynamics with the caregiver.
Even though we might not think it to be so, babies are very much stressed out. They still haven’t figured out what’s safe and what’s dangerous, and, most importantly, they are hopeless in handling their own distress. But, with the support of the people around them, babies slowly learn to predict what’s about to happen and how to respond.
In fact, even though the stress system is already in place in newborns, they cannot regulate it. The person who helps the child to manage their strain and tension is usually the caregiver.
Therefore, the stress response is the result of two forces: increased demands and the guidance the child receives from the caregiver.
This means that we all learn when and how to activate (and deactivate) the stress response because someone guided us when we were clueless. The end result of this interactive process will remain in place for our entire lifespan and will become the core of all of our future responses.
The guidance a child receives from their caregiver is part of the attachment dynamics.
Attachment serves two important functions. The first is to secure the child’s proximity to the adults in order to receive protection and care; the second is to instruct the baby about the nature of the environment.
In other words, the attachment system is the first way of learning if the environment is safe or not.
The attachment system is a way of learning about the nature of the environment, via the modulation of stressful experiences.
When the caregiver modulates the baby’s responses in a moment of distress, she is providing cues about the nature of the environment. In other words, attachment dynamics inform the child about whether or not the environment is supportive and responsive to the child’s requests. This includes taking care of both emotional and physiological needs. In fact, the newborn’s brain perceives states such as hunger or unregulated body temperature as threats to the balance of the body and will, therefore, activate the stress system. Children will manifest their distress by crying and fussing; this will call the attention of the caregiver, who will then calm the baby.
Thanks to this learning mechanism, the attachment relationship programs brain structures and functions. Such learning will stay with a person forever. Above all, it will be the basis of their future cognitive and emotional development.
Early stress responses are the foundation of adult reactions.
Even though it may seem hard to believe, our adult stress response is rooted in these first experiences as newborns.
Each experience of distress—and the way it was soothed—beginning with the first moments of life, accounts for the onset of the adult stress reaction.
Indeed, the child’s brain is not an immature version of the adult brain. It will not automatically change and adapt while growing up in order to ‘produce’ an appropriate adult behavior. Instead, becoming an adult is a process that begins the moment we come into this world.
In fact, the way an infant experiences stress and stress regulation in the context of attachment will be the foundation for all their future responses.
It’s important to note that a parent doesn’t have to be perfect. Perfect parents simply do not exist. They will make mistakes, there will be times when they won’t be able to understand what the child needs, or, if they do, they will find it more difficult to calm the child. This is not the end of the world, and it’s not the end of the child’s healthy development either. The child’s brain is very plastic, and positive experiences overwrite the negative ones. In other words, what counts is to correct the mistakes, rather than the unrealistic expectation of never making a mistake.
It comes without saying that a parent who is aware of these types of dynamics is more likely to be in tune with the needs of their child and minimize the effects of unregulated reactions to stress. This appears even more important if we consider that the development of a positive stress response in a supportive environment also promotes the physical and cognitive maturation of the child.
Early family experiences act as a buffer for future stressors.
Understanding the role of the family environment is crucial not only because the family is the first model of the world, but also because it acts as a buffer for external challenges. This means that the ability to find stress relief later in life will be easier if a person learned that relationships could provide support.
It’s important to point out that a relationship doesn’t always require another person. In fact, the ultimate adaptation of a positive attachment is to favor the establishment of a positive relationship with oneself. This goal is reached if a person develops an inner sense of safety—a safety which doesn’t necessarily rely upon outer events, but rather upon a feeling of control that abides within the individual.
In conclusion, to alleviate the overwhelming pressure of life’s demands, we don’t have to control life (which is not possible); we need to know we can control ourselves.
References:
